Documentary Project Finale & Things & Stuff

    


 I finally finished my Documentary project, and while I had fun watching the documentary (well, as much fun as you can have watching a documentary about a cult) I am glad that this project is over. I can feel the burnout really creep up on me right now. When is winter break? Can that just be now? 

    Finals are coming up, and if I'm being honest, that fills me with a lot of stress and anxiety. I tend to find myself overthinking questions on tests, which then makes me get them wrong. I constantly try to force myself to be perfect when that is quite literally impossible and doesn't truly exist. 

    I don't know.. Every time I finish one assignment I get three more to replace it and the load is never ending. This way of life feels never ending, and unfulfilling. I am constantly asked 'what do you wanna do with your life?'  and I don't understand how people can't possible fathom that maybe some of us don't dream of labor. No, I have no passion to go into a field just to be stressed out and squeezed dry of everything I have to offer just for the sake of someone else who couldn't care less about me. I know that probably sounds 'edgy' or even childish, but to me it makes a lot of sense.

    We are forcing ourselves to go past our limits because it's the only way to achieve goals with the sheer amount of humans running around on this planet. There is too much competition. I remember being forced to compete with other classmates at an early age, and it's never been my thing. Those Jeopardy themed games we were forced to play in middle school made my stomach weak, I hate competing and I hate the pressure of being watched by everyone while having to answer a question. 

    Now I enjoy doing improv, don't get me wrong, but I absolutely h a t e being put on the spot like that, especially as a kid, because I was a huge push over and would burst out in tears if anyone had anything slightly negative to say about me. I really wish teachers would stop forcing kids on the spot just to then belittle and laugh at them. You've seen it happen and it's probably happened to you, you zone out and stop paying attention because what small child has the mental capacity to do 4 hours of learning with no breaks, and then the teacher notices, purposefully calls you out, and embarrasses you in front of the entire class. In what way is that going to make anyone want to pay attention? I think if any adult was belittled by another adult, they would probably full on shut out whatever else they have to say, because it doesn't matter anymore. So why do we treat small children like this? I have no clue, I just wanted to share some thoughts on that because I feel like as we all get older we look back on our elementary and middle school years and think about some of the things that happen, and it finally clicks that oh yeah maybe that wasn't okay. I don't know what picture I'm gonna pick for this one, probably some stock photo of an angry looking teacher, haha, alright I love you bye. 

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